daily rambling

I'm having really really bad emotional change now... even my george can't slove it... It's the time of the year when i RUN away from everything that is in front of me.. Not that i cannot cope.. It's just that I wish someone would be here for me... I hope school will be better... Filled with people that i used to love... Tertiary education is indeed different... An A student in junior college does not mean you'll be an A student in Uni... I nv ever dreamt of being of being A student... All i wan to score is a pass... But in school pass is a fail.... How is it possible for someone like me to be able to compete with Elites?! Why can't i work at my own pace?!!

A year ago, Fi asked me... Why did i chose someone like N? I told her... He is not bf quality but husband quality... But now if Fi ask me again.... i will tell her he is not husband quality but Bf quality now... why is there a change? it's easy! becoz pple change.. a year i was still a baby.. i was really naive... N seems to be someone who can show me light and show me way.. and mayb we can grow together... but now... the road is too dim and i have stop growing...Why gers can be so stupid when they are in a relationship?! Today, i went back home early i saw this beautiful ger sending her bf( or a 'boy - fren') off to the bus stop... This beautiful ger is actually tricked to walk all the way from the lib with this guy to wait for a stupid bus... and then returning back to school... boy! i have done so many stupid stuff in the past... and i know it is stupid and i still do it... AND it alwaz leads to something that no one appreciates it in the end...

Talked to Adrian a few days ago... We talked marriage and living with a stranger for the rest of your life.. even the way that he uses toothpaste might bother you... If Adrian had asked me if i see myself marrying (you know who) a year ago... I would definatly say yes! ... But after work and travel... after getting to know him and his family... i became quite uncertain.... It has comes to a point of time.. where we both have different goals in our lives... It has come to a point where we both needs motivation for each other in our different goals... Well, He might say It's so easy to motivate me... Shopping lor or even going for a good meal... Boy! o Boy! you don't know me at all... I know he space to grow now... He is in his 'growing' stage while i'm in my 'hibernating' state... So i have gradually became a huge piece of Rock of his... Food has became tasteless for me... Frankly speaking i forgot how does real food taste like... I eat for the stake of eating ... be coz i was hungry... i forgot how does lovly romantic story goes... Why does drawing I love yous became trash? Thats why no more fairy tale stories and no more cards for the time being... It will become thrash.... Why isn't sweet when we kiss? Where did all the blushing went? Where did all the warm fuzzy feeling go? now all i get is a piercing thru my heart when i think of him... i can't tell him i miss him.. i can't cry... i can't argue... i have became silent.. and i bascailly gave up when a fight come.... i used to be so in love... I always thot that we will click gradually.. But after lunching with him after classes.. It has seem to have fallen back to square one... I kept thinking who is guy i'm having lunch with... When did lunch became just company? Why do i feel like a stranger? Why after one year we still do not have a common topic? Where is there still no conversation 'hitpoint'? Have i lost my commication skills? I wasn't like that a year ago...

I just hope to make more real frens.. hope join sife and making new project group would help... I just hope that one day there is no need for him to be my lunch partner... He needs all the space that he can get... I feel so useless when I'm SLOW... Instead of motivating me at my pace... i need to be ahead of thous who are way on top of me...

His life so consist of his family, Dota( Lan gaming). Soccer, Finace quizes, marketing presentation...
his life doesnt make a difference without me.. If i walk out of this relationship( i did) he still has his frens... It doesn't matter if i'm dead or alive.. or even if i'm asleep in the middle of the nite... Now i love him more than he loves me... This curve will have to change soon... really soon...

My life so wanna consist of someone i love, Swimming, friends.. ( really close frens) .. like thou in sec sch and in pre u....

I used to be in love... i used to see colours... Now it's just black and white! It has come to a point of time.. when i question myself.. if it is worth it ... Is it worth it to make 'childish' cards and pictures? Is it worth it to walk to extra mile to meet you? Would you appreciate it? Would you notice it? Would it become thrash again? You have no idea how painful this process is when your heart wans to give all out.. but our mind is slowly getting a wake up call.... Sometimes the heart wins... Sometimes commonsense will win....If one day we have to say goodbye... Don't be sad... It only means my commonsense won...